Today, on my 30th birthday, as I stood after a long day at work staring out my kitchen window while washing dishes. I was sobbing. Sobbing, while scrubbing pots and pans.
And no, not crying because I was doing dishes. I was crying because I’m celebrating 30 years today. Crying because that makes me happy because some people don’t get to see thirty years old or healthy kids. And I don’t take that for granted. Not one bit, I count those blessings daily. But there was more, I was also crying because I was sad. Reflecting back on my life, I’m no where near where I thought I would be at 30. Not in my career, not in friendships, not in relationships with my family, not physically, not in my writing, not financially (but are we ever there really?), not in putting a dent in my bucket list. Just not there. Let me be clear; I am educated and I have a great job. I have some of the best friends and family a girl could ask for. I have a handsome husband that loves me and healthy, beautiful kids. I go to the gym and I’m finally noticing my weight loss. I write, not as much as I would like too or the things I would like too. We live comfortably and our kids are spoiled. 😜 And we are working on the bucket list. So, I know what you’re all thinking…it’s never too late. I know that, I’m working on it.
The thing that hurts the most? The reason I was so upset? The friendships and relationships with my family. At one point in my life I knew that there was a handful of people that could look at me or hear my voice and instantly know when something was off. But now….Not even close! You see the thing is, things haven’t been right for months now. I’ve been carrying the burden of health issues and silently fighting them…all while NO ONE in my life knew me well enough to notice. I told a select few what was going and their response was “I had no idea!” I am most of the problem here, because I become a recluse sometimes. BUT at one point, there were people that would know anyway that something was off. This is NOT the kind of relationships that I want. I don’t want surface relationships anymore. I want real, raw, intense relationships. The kind of friendships were we cry together, we laugh together, we get angry together, we learn together and we love together.
I’m not saying this to hurt feelings or make anyone feel like I don’t value them in my life. I value each and every single person in my life. And I have a few friends like this already, so don’t get me wrong. I just want more substance in my life. Museum visits, history lessons, religious talks, childhood memories, trials and tribulations in our lives, political talks, the ugly stuff, the beautiful stuff, prayer meetings, Bible talks….I want deeper friendships. Deeper relationships in general. I want people who want to know the parts of me that I hide from the world. I want to know people on a deeper level and I want people to know me on a deeper level.
I had a wonderful birthday and am ready to take on my thirties. Sometimes, I’m just emotional and those are the vulnerabilites I want to share with people. With that said, thank you so much everyone for your heartfelt words today and for taking the time to wish me a happy birthday. It means so much to me! Here’s to 30 and here’s to tackling life harder than ever before.
(Picture is from this past weekend visiting the Angel Oak on St. John’s island in Charleston, SC. Don’t ever pass up the opportunity to visit….it is breath taking.)
Life, Unfiltered. 